Just a quick observation here.

I’m currently standing in my kitchen, very hungry and feeling quite faint, but ‘unable’ to make myself some food…why? Because I’m stressed.

My (irrational) thought process: I’m stressed because I feel I should have started work by now. So cooking will only cause me to start even later. So I should just start work. But I’m too hungry to concentrate – I need food! There’s ‘nothing’ to snack on. There’s ‘nothing’ I fancy cooking. I am so hungry I’m unable to make a choice. Why am I doing this to myself. Why can’t I make a choice. This is bad for me, I feel sick and faint. 

I’m sharing this because I want to share how stress can affect many more parts of our lives than we might think. Don’t under-estimate it. The thoughts above may sound rediculous to you, but right now it’s quite a distressing ‘block’ that I’m having to deal with. 

I also know this is only temporary.

All experiences are only temporary.

Okay I’m going to have a piece of toast and take it from there…

Sometimes when we can see our boundaries,

when we think we know the limits,

it kills our curiosity of what’s beyond.

But sometimes we need to double check that those limits are actually there,

that the boundaries are as solid as we thought,

just in case today,

we can peek

or even walk through.

(This thought came to me whilst walking in the park 2 days in a row: the first day I looked ahead and saw the park boundary and thought – if I can already see it, why do I need to walk over there, there is nothing new to explore. The second day, for some reason I had a completely different mind set of really wanting to walk the whole length of the park and just enjoy the process, not thinking of the end result (the end of the walk). It occurred to me that this could be used as a metaphor for mental boundaries and limits too – sometimes we think we know our limits, that we can’t push through life’s boundaries, and sometimes we are inexplicably excited and compelled to push further. Both are okay – fields always need a fallow period before growing new crops, just as our minds sometimes need fallow periods before inspiration can hit. But it is important to remember that it will always hit eventually…and maybe walking that extra bit further will reveal something to you.)

I don’t know if I have depression,
But it’s sunny outside and I love the sun, But right now I don’t know if I can face leaving home.

I don’t know if I have depression,
But when I think ahead to tomorrow and the days after that,
even though I have a wonderful boyfriend and new flat,
even though I know I’ll laugh with my friends.
All I can think, is not this again.

Not this feeling of despair
Not this claustrophobic doom
I don’t have ‘enough’ money, so I have no right to enjoy good food.
I don’t have a ‘proper’ job, so I have no right to complain. No right, because I don’t have to get up at 6:30 again.

I have no right to feel sad,
No right to feel down,
I have the support of my friends and family all around.
I have no right to feel loss, no right to feel rage,
I live a white middle class life, a beautiful cage.

The bars gleam with expectation,
They shine gold with privilege,
But they weren’t built to contain such heavy feelings within it.
They were built for a songbird – sing for me, play a song!
You should be famous – or has the moment gone?
You have so much talent, why do you still work for minimum wage?
Maybe because I’m still working through this rage.

This rage at myself for having what I need, not all that I want, but enough to be free.
No lifetime of poverty is waiting for me.
This songbird’s cage is so lovely and shiny.
So why can’t I enjoy it, what the fuck’s wrong with me?

I don’t know if I’m depressed or just guilty.

But what does that matter, if it matters at all?
Just to be another poor name on a form.
Given a label, some drugs, an excuse for it all?

The crazy thing is, none of this matters really.
Well, it shouldn’t. But it does.
It does to me.

Everyone has ‘flaws’.

Everytime you get together with someone, you have to decide whether their flaws are compatible with yours. 

For example, if you keep arguing with someone and you believe it’s because they are quick to anger…then what made you argue back? Perhaps you didn’t realise this was a flaw of yours too.

Other people’s flaws bring out the worst in us, it is so easy to blame any upset on someone else but if we had reacted differently ourselves would the outcome have been the same? 

Ultimately, we must judge how much of an impact their flaws have on our daily lives and happiness. And if we can accept that everyone is flawed and learn to not let their emotions affect our own, relationships might be a lot easier. 

Today I woke up excited for the day. 

I didn’t have anything fun planned, mostly work and chores I’d been putting off. 

So why was I so happy to be alive when I had been anxious/ angry/crying/argumentative, even feeling a bit depressed all the previous week? 

Could it be something as simple as hormones?

Now I know what you’re thinking, was I on my period the previous week? The truth is I don’t know. I don’t actually menstrate at all, at any time (usually) whilst I’m taking my birth control, Cerezette (it’s a ‘mini’ pill and no menstration is normal as there is no ‘break’ week). But I’ve noticed my body still does seem to have a hormonal ‘cycle’, even without a period – even men do too apparently! 

I haven’t been tracking this cycle, I just know that every few weeks I get more spots and maybe get more pre-(non existant menstrual) tension…

Anyway, my point is, maybe we’re not as in control of our happiness and emotions as we’d like to be. If you’re particularly up and down over the month like me, maybe it’s just our hormones raining on our parade. Maybe we can stop freaking out every time we’re feeling low and give ourselves permission to feel shitty sometimes, knowing that it will pass as all things do.

Update: work up next day and didn’t want to get out of bed as life felt too overwhelming…but it’s sunny outside and that’s the main thing that help at times like this so I’m going to the park and hopefully can swing the day back round in my favour…or maybe my hormones won’t let me…let’s see! 

“My whole life has been about achieving. 

I just need to stop that now.”

This realisation came to me just now and made me very emotional. Achievements should be a result of my happiness – of things that I do every day because they make me happy, not things I strive or force myself to do (and end up putting of because of this), that may one day make me happy…but how could it really?

If the achievement was built on unhappiness and suffering, how could I truly feel happy once I ‘get there’…if ‘there’ will ever be enough…where is ‘there’ anyway?

So, from now on I allow myself to only do what makes me happy each day. Achievements will naturally follow. Maybe not as fast or as big as I once would have liked. But they will be enough. 

Being happy is enough.