HELP I’M PROCRASTINATING.
HOW DO I STOP?!
Actually, it’s not all bad, I’d characterise the activity of writing a blog post as ‘useful procrastination’. This is when you suddenly get really motivated to do a medium priority task you’ve been meaning to get round to, because you’re procrastinating from a high priority task: in this case, writing this post instead of printing off CVs to go look for a job in town.
Although this can be quite useful for getting things done around the house (tidying your room suddenly seems like great fun when you’re supposed to be doing admin work!), it is definitely not productive in the greater scheme of creating the life you want to live. In my case, I want a part-time job with flexible hours that I find interesting and engaging…good luck me.
The thing is, this sort of job is so difficult to find and I don’t even know what field I want to work in. There are sooooo many different companies and jobs and lives I could live andit’stooscaryIcan’tchoose.
It’s all too much.
So I procrastinate.
I write a song about procrastination.
I write a blog post about procrastination.
I tell everyone, my mother, my lover, that I’m doing my best, that I’m trying my hardest. But I’m not, because I feel such a weight of the ‘unknown’ upon me, it scares me, it paralyses me. ‘If you don’t try, you’ll never know’, is a good motivator, but is also a perfect excuse for procrastination: you can’t fail if you never try. But that’s a shit way of looking at it, I know it is and yet I’m still struggling to move on and START SOMETHING NEW.
Luckily, I know that my money’s going to run out soon and next month’s rent will need paying, and that scares me even more than starting something new. In fact, I’ve been allowing myself to spend more than necessary, just to get the numbers down to something that really scares the shit out of me and FORCES me to get a job – just to afford to eat!
So why am I so reluctant? After breaking my wrist and having to quit my waitressing job 3 months ago, I realised how unhappy I was. The job was fine, but waitressing has never been my ambition in life. I also didn’t have time to develop my own projects, to be the creative person I need to be to feel fulfilled. However, there’s a catch 22: without the structure a job brings to my life, I find it very difficult to be motivated to do anything creative. The days stretch endlessly, “there’s always tomorrow”, but tomorrow just brings more worry about needing a job, needing to start my career, needing to start my life.
So how can I WOMAN THE FUCK UP and get off this utterly stupid and pointless depressing-go-round in my ‘dark playground‘ (a funny but very helpful way of understanding and trying to get over procrastination, take a look!) that I’m stuck in?
What can I do RIGHT NOW to help me find a job? Even as I think of an answer I find myself worrying that I’ll get stuck in a job I hate.
STOP IT Zoe, baby steps remember!
You can always quit if you hate something – in fact did last month, a charity call centre job that sucked the life out of me in two days flat.
If I can just do one thing today to further myself, then today won’t have been wasted. The guilt can lessen slightly and I can enjoy a bike ride and creative time later.
Okay, I can print my CV off and go hand it out in town. It’s 3pm, just coming up to the boring stretch after lunch but before packing-up time, when people aren’t too busy to get annoyed at the third person that day looking for work.
So, that’s what I’m going to do. As SOON as I finish this. I promise. Wish me luck. Deep breathe. Baby steps. BYE!
18:44pm P.S. I totally went and gave out CVs and I feel GREAT! Now I feel like I’ve actually earned this free time and can enjoy it guilt free 🙂
P.P.S. The next day I handed out one more CV on the off-chance to the Pavilion Gardens Cafe, the manager spoke with me straight away and within 10 minutes I was their new Social Media and Website Manager! 😀